No this isn't about what I have in my pants, don't freak out...

This is another entry in my "Life Tips" series. How to select and break in jeans to get that perfect pair. You know the type I'm talking about. The ones that are so comfortable you never want to take them off without a very good reason. The ones you wear even though you have other, newer looking jeans in the closet. The ones you hope you never loose. In short, a pair of jeans that feels like a part of you, and without them, you feel naked.

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Jeans. Denim, Dungarees or for the really easy going folks, just plain Pants. Wondrous cotton(or if you're lucky, Hemp) habiliments that throughout the years have been a staple of fashion and work wear the world over. For some they are the most flexible item in their wardrobe, while for others they are simply the only pants that can survive more than one workday. Everybody, from the grimy blue collar worker to the haughty fashionista strives to find the perfect pair of jeans. For some this is as simple as going to the store and grabbing a pair off the rack (good on ya I say) while for others this journey involves countless hours of fitting and searching, and many times involves the expenditure of large sums of currency. This is very seldom a necessity however, as one can have the perfect pair of jeans simply by taking a regular pair and making them your own.

(Note, this is mostly for guys searching for a comfortable pair of everyday, straight leg jeans. Don't attempt any part of this article if you're looking for a clean cut "fresh from the store" look, or if the jeans in question are a pair of stretchy, form fitting jeans, they won't survive. Those "jeans" have stretchy fabrics such as Spandex or Lycra woven in amongst the cotton that allows them to hug your body, but reduces the durability of the fabric. They also tend to be thinner than ordinary denim, canvas or hemp jeans. There are some durable, all cotton skinny jeans out there, and I would recommend those if you like that sort of thing. You might have to search thrift stores for them though, as they seem to have gone extinct sometime between '85 and '93.)

First, find your self some jeans as a "starting point". For typical cotton jeans, my recommendations are, in no particular order: Carhartt, Wranglers and Dickies. The reason I left Levi's off the list is, lately(past 5-6 years) quality has taken back seat to fashion with Levi's. Your paying more for the name than anything else. If you want a pair of Levi's, go ahead and get them, but keep them in reserve as a nice clean "got to a meeting" type of jeans instead.

No name brands sometimes work out well, and you can sometimes find real gems among the generic jean companies, but it's hit or miss. If you're shopping at thrift stores(good move) and only paying $3-10 go for it, but if you're going to drop the money on a new pair, stick with jeans with a good track record. The only brand to really avoid are the Rustlers they sell at wal mart. They have no consistency whatsoever, two different pairs of the same size and cut will vary wildly in how they sit on your body. Quality is shoddy at best, zippers WILL stick or break within a few weeks, belt loops WILL pop off in a few weeks, if that long, and don't even get me started on the pockets and seat stitches.

Now, before you lay down your money, you gotta try them on. ALWAYS try them on first, even if you "know your size". One companies 32 might be another companies 34.

Fitting jeans is a lot different than fitting slacks(trousers, kahki's, etc). A good pair of jeans should not fit perfectly right off the rack. They should be a little snug, especially in the thighs and butt when you first get them. Not "lay down, grab a pair of pliers, exhale and zip" tight, but snug. Being too tight in the crotch on the other hand is never good, for girls or guys, you want that area to have some room.

When fitting jeans, bring everything you carry with you on a daily basis into the fitting room with you(wallet, keys, cellphone, lighter, pocketknife, dip, etc...) and try the jeans on with these items in the pockets, wherever you normally carry them. Remember, if you like to show off (you know what I mean) put the larger items in the back/cargo pockets. With a fresh pair of jeans, it should take a little effort to get stuff in and out of the pockets. Don't worry, they'll loosen up later.

Now, when you've got them on and everything in place, don't just stand there and look at yourself in the mirror. Run through the following tests to ensure they still fit right no matter what you're doing:
Bend at the waist.
Bend at the knees(squat).
Sit with both feet on the floor and back straight.
While sitting, lean forward.
Sit up straight, then slouch.
Sit with one ankle up on the knee(both legs)
Sit on the floor, straight legged, knees bent and cross legged.
Stand up and "lunge" with both legs.
Stand up, do the "captain Morgan" pose with both legs.

What you're looking for here is to make sure the crotch doesn't ride up too high(giving you that "Oh god I'm being cut in half!" feeling). That's the last area to stretch out on a pair of jeans, so you want to make sure you've got a good fit. Every other part will stretch to fit once you break them in, so don't worry if the butt is tight or if something in the pockets digs a little bit.

Don't worry if they're an inch or two too long in the leg, that will wear out. Now if they're hanging past your toes, try another pair.

Once you find the right pair, take them home and immediately start wearing them, going about your business as you normally would. Do this for two or three days before the first wash. Wash them normally(washer, dryer, etc..). Now, we're about to do something that mom told you never to do.

Take your jeans outside, lay them on the ground. Grab the hose and spray them until they're soaking wet. This should be done on a sandy area. Now, put on a pair of shoes(or boots), put on some music, and start dancing all over the jeans. Jump up and down, cha-cha, stomp, whatever. Make sure you get every part. Flip them over and repeat. If you want to minimize stains, turn them inside out.

Rinse them off with plain water, no soap yet. Then lay them back down, grab something hard, heavy and rough(a rock, a small log, etc) and start pounding all over the jeans, both sides.

Next, ball them up and kick them around the yard for a good 10-20 minutes. Rinse off all the heavy grime with a high pressure stream of water, then throw them in the wash. Don't put them in the dryer/clothes line.

This next part is best to do during the warmer months.

While they're still damp, put them on, with all of your usual stuff in the pockets, and wear them until they are dry. Don't cheat by using a hair dryer. Wear them in the sun if you want to speed the process.

Once they're dry, you can put them away for a while. They're still not broken in yet, but they should fit better than they did at the store.

Now this next part may push your sanity a little, or even make your skin crawl at the thought. This is the "hard break" period. This is were you wear them in. There's no way to speed up this part and get good results.

Wear your jeans every day for at least three weeks. Don't worry about your jeans getting dirty or roughed up, but don't try to get them dirty. If they smell, spray them with lysol and fabreze. If they're muddy, let the mud dry then hang them up and beat the mud off. If you end up getting into something really nasty move on to the next step.

Once this is done, get a container big enough to soak your jeans in. Mix up a solution of 2 teaspoons of bleach for every gallon of water. Such a low concentration of bleach won't harm the jeans, but will lift out the heavy grime you've built up by now. Make sure to mix the bleach and water, then put in your jeans. Let them soak for at least an hour. Pull them out, rinse them off and repeat at least once, more if they're really nasty. Throw them in the wash, but again, wear them until they're dry.

That should be sufficient. If they're still very dirty after the last wash, don't dry them. Grab one of those green scrubby pads and some kind of abrasive cleaner, Gojo or Lava works great and it's safe to have on your skin. Put them on, step into the shower, lather up your jeans with the cleaner and scrub the hell out of them with the scrubby pad. Rinse, remove the jeans(feel free to finish showering) and hang them up to drip dry. Before they dry completely, throw them in the wash yet again, wear them dry.

That's it for the break in. Wear them as often as possible and wash normally. Every once in a while wear them dry. They won't yet be the perfect pair, but they should at least be comfortable. The break in is just to loosen them up in the right places. Time is the only way to get them perfect.

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Okay, I admit, I was bored and wanted to write something. That and I wanted to take advantage of the journal skin trial.